did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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