Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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