My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
