Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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