I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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