Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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