my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
either way he was missing a nipple.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
