my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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