you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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