i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
