I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He better not be in your backpack
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
