Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
