I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
