take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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