It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
