took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
