someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
