Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
