i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
