Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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