Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
