Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
