We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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