everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
