Betty ford says i'm here all night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
