What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
