I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
