Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
