I'm so fucking centered right now
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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