My pussy is not your playground.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my poor anus
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
