I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
