OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
