Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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