If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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