You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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