worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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