I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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