it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Welp...herpes.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
