i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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