FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
