Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
