It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
