I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
