something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
