you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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