i really wish james franco would like my vagina
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
