So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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