When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I need mimosas to revive my soul
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
