You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
