I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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